well, hello.

i'm trying my best to write a new blog post and i simply can't. there's so much to say, so much to convey, and so much to catch up on i don't even know where to begin. and so i'll begin where my heart is...with a gratitude of grace list; the mere fact that God's grace has overwhelmed my life to the point of being speechless, i feel inadequate to communicate His goodness in the same way that it's impacted my life. these are some ways i've learned more about the God i serve and the way He has His hand on my life...my life; and that's something for me to talk about.

-our family dynamic has changed since last semester. the hubby got hired at our church as the small groups coordinator, making him more available to us at home and equipping him for our future ministry. God's provision is always more than we could ever think we needed.

-homeschooling has challenged me in ways i didn't expect and has yielded opportunity to trust the Lord in areas that normally cause a bit of panic. as i do the best with what i'm given, God has poured His peace over future decisions that need to be made.

-i have had the honor to volunteer with the women's ministry on campus, coordinating the small groups for seminary wives. it feeds my organizational bug by keeping me busy with emails, planning meetings, and helping keep a very effective and necessary ministry running. i am still amazed at how the Lord plopped me into this position and how i see Him drive the ministry for His glory. it is an indescribable feeling to watch first hand how He equips and teaches.

-every morning i wake up i am reminded of God's strength. sometimes Jesus chooses to heal physical pain. sometimes He calms the storm within. but for me? He has chosen to give me a spirit of dependance and faith in knowing that He is enough for me. my spiritual healing is far greater than any physical healing i need and provides my peace within. most everyday is a battle to remind myself of what i just said, but at the end of the day i always land on the same side in knowing Who my victor is - where my alliance lies. i want to be concerned with the building of my character and the perseverance of my race. i want to get to know the me that He created and understand the purpose He's created in me. i want to deeply know Him and accept His profound love for me. even when i feel defeated before the sun rises, God has a way of waking me up to victory and glory everyday.

more to come on our trip, our holidays, and our family life together...

a truly happy birthday.

i woke up to find this lovely piece of artwork hanging from the hallway. it was such a wonderful surprise on the way to my birthday cup of coffee! even though the hubby had to work almost all day, we made the most of our morning by swimming and answering numerous phone calls with singing grams on the other end {*smile}.
i was completely and utterly spoiled rotten by my friend-across-the-hall. she's become much more than that as she whisked me away to all of my favorite places on my actual birthday. her hubby watched all five kiddos {awesome gift, right?!} while we went to lunch and shopped some of my birthday money away. i came home to find a delicious {and adorable!} dessert made by same talented friend while her fam and a couple friends sang their own rendition.

my family spent the whole weekend making me feel special, leaving me on a 'birthday high' until monday morning. big bouquet of sunflowers, chocolate covered blueberries, lunch at red robin, a trip to ikea, starbucks, and target. twenty-nine isn't so bad after all!

on my birthdays, i love the opportunity to reflect on God's faithfulness in my life and how's He's brought me through another year with an overflowing bowl of blessings. i'm always left standing in awe at His grace and humbled at His work.

have i mentioned that i love my birthday? it's kinda a big deal {*wink}.

His sovereign voice.

i was staring through the paned glass this afternoon in the quiet of the empty apartment. i was perched at the dining table, sitting a little higher than usual. and as i starred from my higher than usual spot, i noticed how still the trees were. i noticed a man walking down the street, swinging his hand as he walked, lightly hitting the brick wall as he passed by. i noticed the quiet. the quiet almost seemed empty. the stillness outside left an emptiness to be questioned.

i have a lot of questions and thoughts running through my mind. some more pleasant than others. some that may never be answered and some that may be hard to hear the answers to. as i starred, i asked the Lord where the evidence of His power was. i knew it was present and to be felt, but i could only imagine His power leaving behind a shock wave. or at the very least, a ruffled leaf. why did things feel so quiet? so still? so empty...? and then He answered and i said this prayer in the quiet of my heart:

Lord,

sometimes my soul yearns for things that don't have answers. i depend on your sovereign voice to still my heart. your power is something i can't describe. something i can't explain. and something that my eyes cannot always behold. you are always at work even when the evidence is not visible to me. though your power can come in a crashing wave and a bolt of lightening, it can also come in the serene beauty of the sunset and the soft petal of a spring flower. you are always present. your voice speaks. ready my heart to receive answers and still my spirit to hear the power spoken through your voice. you are the only God like you...your sovereignty speaks truth and your will is perfect. you are awesome and holy. worthy of all my praise.

and wouldn't you know, a few hours later, we received the most powerful storm of the season.

my oh my.

can it be true?

i'd like you to meet:

pure happiness.
total bliss.
impulse.
too much of a good thing.
an empty wallet.
hours browsing.
endless homeschool resources.
unadulterated joy.
the love of creativity.
the love of all things pretty.
and sparkly.
and, and, and…

together, held by the same steel beam.
together on the same slab of concrete.
together.

did they know they’d make such a beautiful team?

yes, i am a complete and utter hobby lobby geek and now, a newly found mardel's nerd. and very happy to be both.

i'm feeling...

...a bit 'stuffed' due to a pretty full plate of responsibilities. if only the plate were full of steak, mashed potatoes and grilled shrimp, i think i'd be completely happy with it all. and maybe a spoonful of guacamole just for kicks.

...content with my surroundings. content with the 'things', the stuff, i've been blessed with {including the things that have been withheld for good reason}. content with circumstance, with situation, with life.

...overwhelmed with the thought of getting organized for full time kindergarten homeschool and the huge task of teaching jessa how to read independently and effectively.

...like my brain is a little mushy due to my lack of creative output {or intake}. i've lacked in taking time to create, read for fun, or simply absorb my brain with the good stuff.

...lethargic. almost to the point of chronically tired. i'm exhausted every morning. every afternoon. and ready for bed by 7pm.

...unhealthy. trying to work on that...

...spiritually thirsty. i need me a good walk to the well of overflowing.

...the unexplainable joy everyday that comes in knowing Who my strength is through the mush, through the exhaustion, through the pain of health issues. i know, therefore, i can.

a list.

-diet cherry coke zero is the only soda i can drink out of a can {and pretty much the only soda i can stand at this point}.

-i love my baked potato with butter, salt & pepper, cheddar cheese, and red onion {and lots of all of it}.

-i love stocking my pantry with new toilet paper, paper towels and paper plates {it's weird, i know}.

-i love a quiet evening with my hubby on the couch with a favorite series until midnight.

-and he looks really good in a suit. really good.

-i love to hear birds chirping in the rain.

-ice cream is best enjoyed when i know i shouldn't be eating it {cause that's pretty much always in my case}.

-i have a horrible time putting clean laundry away.

-i have a strange joy in putting dirty dishes in an empty dishwasher {again, not so much fun unloading the clean dishes}.

-christmas is most definitely my favorite holiday.

-spring and fall my favorite seasons.

-i think about wallowa lake and how bad i want to be there 12.7 times a day {or something close to that}.

-i smell my europe trip {mostly england} every time i walk through our neighborhood target's parking lot {and i have no idea why}.

-it's almost impossible for me to keep my eyes closed in the shower.

-i spend way too much time thinking about things i can't control.

-i've never been concerned about my hair {except the first time i got bangs and a perm in middle school - oh my gosh - sweet nightmare - mom, why?!}.

-i feel the need to accomplish something big...and then quickly realize i already am by living my life. quite simple, really.

-i can't can't wait to go to [south] africa someday. i want to go now. or tomorrow would be good too. i just hurt to want to love on God's beautiful people.

-i'm a bit terrified to go through potty training again. not too sure why it's so intimidating. but i know she's ready, so here we go...

-and why are they still making shrek movies? just curious.

sleepless night + blogging = this.

-over the last two months, at least one member of our family has been sick {i take rank with 6 of the weeks}.

-apparently, i'm allergic to the state of texas {it could be the hallow of smog over the city...or the cattle {what?}...or the fact my mom doesn't live here}.

-i miss bruchi's, tomato street, and wendy's with pepsi {among many, many other [more] important things}.

-i've been blissfully reminded that God's standard is the only one. period.

-oh, and that He's the God of the impossible.

-i am completely in love with my new flat iron. have i talked about this already? it was my christmas present and it is heaven to my uber thick hair. hello, i'm silky straight in about seven minutes flat {as opposed to twenty like my other one i fried in europe}.

-i adored the rainy/stormy afternoon today. it was just what my soul needed...fresh, cool air. clean. cozy. glistening drops on the window. a sound of peace. and a good day to continue the doom of laundry.

-my dad is in africa. this makes me nervous, but still all in one emotion. he's with a team consisting of several others serving the beautiful people in the region of mali. this isn't his first journey over there, and i'm looking forward to the wonderful stories of how God is working in the lives of His people.

-it's just really good to know that the Lord is alive and evident in my life and the life of my family. trusting in Him is the greatest thing i choose to do every day. He's active and aware of what goes on in our life - the good. the challenging. the ugly. He carries us. let's us walk. sometimes even run. we soar. all because of Him.

-so...american idol started. is this a good thing? why yes, yes it is. *wink

-i've been the most inefficient grocery shopper lately...finding myself at the store probably four times a week. ridiculous. so i've decided to completely redo our meal planning starting this monday with many new healthier options on the menu. this way, i can stick to what's written down and [hopefully] not waiver. last time i did this, i lost 14 lbs.

-i can't seem to ever feel completely organized. no matter how many tubs, bins, totes, or baskets i use, it just never seems 'enough'. i use 'enough' not in quantity, but in effectiveness to what i'm trying to organize. make sense? i need the help of candice olson.

-can i be twelve for a second and just say that i plain miss my mom. yes? thank you.

tag: truly authentic mom.

my sis-in-law tagged me to do a post about five reasons i think i'm a truly authentic mom {gulp}. gosh, i have to say i've never really thought about this in detail. i mean, sure, daily i think of ways to be a better mom...but that means i'm always on the road to improving. so, what do i think makes me an authentic mom now? swing batter, batter, swing!

au⋅then⋅tic [aw-then-tik] adjective - 1. not false or copied; genuine; real
2. entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy

kind of a lot to live up to, huh?!

first and foremost, i have to give credit to the One who made me a mom - trusting me with two precious girls that teach me more everyday than i could teach myself. so if anything is authentic, it goes to Him; the Creator of their little souls...and mine.

1. i fan their flame for books. they will spend endless amounts of time a day curled in their reading corner flipping through pages and filling their imaginations with what they find in the stories. they eagerly plop themselves on my lap for a good read, wriggly with excitement. authenticity is found in the window of a good book.

2. i encourage everyday experience to be a learning tool. there's always something to be taught on the way to the grocery store, getting ready in the morning, or sharing time in the kitchen. and not just the obvious...i want them to understand the things that aren't seen, but that are learned from the heart. authenticity is found in moral teaching.

3. consistency. consistency. consistency. my all time favorite word as a mom. i try my hardest to not let mood, emotion, or situational circumstance get in the way of proper discipline and obedience. my girls need the stability found in a strong word and the overall smoothness to our day is dependant on this sacred word. *wink. authenticity is found on stable ground.

4. i try my best. i try my best to capture them in their happiest moments and be a part of it. i try my best to hug them as often as possible and tell them how much i love them. i try my best to get down on their level when speaking truth to them. i try my best to feed them well, encourage their good behavior, and dance with them plenty. authenticity is found when i give my all.

5. the most important way i believe i am an authentic {ie. trustworthy, real, genuine, reliable} mom is by training them to love and find total dependence on Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior {point your kids in the right direction—when they're old they won't be lost. prov 22:6 the Message}. there is no greater gift then to know and receive the love of Christ. authenticity is found in Jesus.

this was really good to think about, helping me keep myself accountable. i think it's important to reflect on our reasoning and motives in raising our precious ones. if you get the chance to do it, please leave me a comment so i make sure to take a peek at what you wrote. thanks! taggy mctagerson time...a rainbow sorbet of sorts:

ness

angie

heidi

mandy

tam

jaci

dani

sarah

personal reminder.

i've been in this state of mundane routine that's been trolling me along like a stick in the mud. there's always something special in the mirrored reflections of our everyday, and i'm afraid i'm failing to see past the daily schedules. instead, i'm humming along. barely rolling out of bed, not even a hint of joy in my shuffled steps. there's a lingered cough that won't stay away. a stuffy head that triggers drowsiness. and an overall pitiful-pathetic-me attitude that's getting me nowhere.

complaining has never been my shade. whining, never my size. i'm afraid second semester starts tomorrow and part of me wants to curl up in the corner of my closet. "hold me", i'll call to my sweaters, "hide me away in the warmth of your knitted hoods."

it's all silly, really.

when have i ever found a time in my life to draw back my swelling heart of praise to my God? i'm surely not about to start now over a few snot-filled kleenex and unproductive night's rest. cause after all...

No one who hopes in me ever regrets it. -Isaiah 49:23 the Message

update.

here's a few nuggets of news you can nibble on -

-we had an awesome move this past weekend with about seven guys and two friends of mine that helped me clean {they actually *like* to clean - imagine that}. we were out of our apartment with a clean inspection in less than 2 1/2 hours! previously, we were settled in a space of 750 sq ft. and are now in 950, giving the girls a *much* bigger room, an actual hallway, and a larger living room with a dining room that is somewhat 'separate'. it was such a blessing to move so early and knowing we can be settled here the whole time is really refreshing. there's no movin' up from here...at least, while we're 'here'. *wink

-the girls recently had their vaccines and it was pretty traumatizing - for all of us! jess did a great job sitting still in my lap as she took her four shots, but i had to have a nurse hold miley girl. for twenty months, she's a little fireball - strong and mighty. she took her six shots like a champ, but with a set of lungs like you wouldn't believe. i'm so thankful those are over...for now.

-i've spent the last two days decorating for christmas {while putting away other things}. let's face it, we'll be gone all day tomorrow and i'm hitting black friday on friday. three days after thanksgiving is just a little late for me to get the decor out. and it just felt appropriate once we unpacked and warmly settled into the new place. digging out what christmas decor i was able to bring, it probably ended up being 1/4 {if that} of what i own. the rest sits sadly in a garage back home. *sniff* i should just be thankful that we brought our little tree...and had room to put it up!

-i've been feeling pretty exhausted lately. with some unforeseen situations that the Lord has mightily been working out, i think it's been subconsciously taking a toll on me. i don't think of myself as getting "stressed out" very much, but i think our spirits sometimes tell us differently...even if we seem to be 'keeping our cool' amidst the storm {big or small}. with all of that said, i'm so small in this big world, especially in the palm of such a huge God. yet, He somehow makes me feel bigger than my mountaintops. *smile

hindsight.

i came across this from a friend's tagged photo on facebook. i immediately had a wave of good memories sweep over me as i reminisced of the good times that did exist during high school. honestly, i couldn't tell you what year this is...my guess is senior year. 1999. if you can't find me, i'm the one that looks twelve. even at seventeen. it's a blessing, right? sure. whatever. *wink

if my future self could tell myself back then one thing, it would be this:

dear mini-me,

as i look at you now, eleven years later, i see a genuinely beautiful smile and sincerity that i don't think you gave yourself credit for. even though you over analyze everything with emotional attachments, i know and understand that your intentions are pure of heart. i want to thank you for keeping yourself together, even through the typical teenage years. i don't want to give anything away in terms of your future {where would the fun be in that?}, but i do want to encourage you with this; your hours of dreaming in prayer for your husband-to-be totally and completely pays off beyond your belief that someday it truly will. it does. and it does really, really well. don't be doubtful in what the Lord has promised. and don't be discouraged by what others might say. His plan for you is for you. it can't be delivered by anyone else but by the gift and will of your Father.

with love & sincerity from your future you,

beth

p.s. you're not over weight. stop thinking you are and just get over yourself. it really will be okay. and enjoy the fact you can fit into size 0 anything...because it will probably be the last time you will. enough said.

go to bed.

so why'd i do it? why did i slurp the last drop of that perfectly made cup of joe at 9:47 at night? maybe because it was like liquid dessert in a cup. maybe because it was made by loving hands of my hunky coffee-making hubby. maybe because in the back of my mind, i wanted to stay up all hours of the night. err...reverse that. ignore the latter thankyouverymuch.

much to my dismay, there's also a "noise" i've been detecting for the last four nights. i've been on inspector gadget mode trying to figure out what the heck it is. and quite frankly, i don't have the slightest idea as it drives me to [almost] tears each night. here's what i've got so far {and mind you, we have zero neighbors on that side of our apartment - just parking lot and air conditioning unit down below}: the ghost of noise starts at 11:00pm every night {at least for the last week-ish that i've noticed it}. it 'thumps' or 'booms' or even 'bangs' every 30 seconds until 6:00 in the morning. it's a very dull sound, almost like someone is ramming something large, like a couch, into the side of a wall. it's rather annoying. and it's very intrusive on my sleep. it can only be heard from the bedroom and it overpowers the white noise of our floor fan. my wild guess is it's some sort of machine or system kicking on and off or recharging. or i could just be losing my mind and imagining the whole thing? and wouldn't you guess, it doesn't bother the hubby one bit {which is a very good thing as he needs his rest to accomplish every minute of every day successfully}.

i've also been reminiscing about 'home' a lot lately. could be because my emotions are a little vulnerable due to lack of sleep and their tendencies to be hyper active in that state are a sure thing. and it's sort of a funny thing...as i'm making some pretty awesome new friends, it kind of makes me miss my friends back home even more. if that even makes sense. it makes me miss the things we used to do together. the familiar places we used to go. the crazy, quirky things that can only be recognized when you're together. i miss playdates. i miss thrift shopping. i miss shopping in general {i don't even recognize myself these days with the lack of shopping in my life - though i kind of like it}. i miss our family walks to starbucks through 'our' park {though we have a new route that leads us to free coffee now - can't complain}. i miss big, warm hugs from close friends. i miss taking pictures of our close buddies. i miss capturing our time together in my memory capsule. i'm trying my hardest to dig up those i took with me when we left.

with all of that said, i miss you friends. each and every one of you.

and if you have any sleuth expertise, do suggest what a noise like that could be. please? tired minds are inquiring...

delayed.

it's been a very strange {insert 'challenging' if you wish} week...or two. i was supposed to start our "playdates" this last tuesday, but due to my sickly sideline-struck self, it is waiting until next tuesday for the big kick-off. i was so incredibly disappointed. the poor little kiddos are so looking forward to these fun times on the horizon and i had to dash their little excited bubbles for one more week. sheesh.

honestly, i've been learning a lot about myself during this planning session in my life. as i've been busy amidst not feeling well, i manage to keep finding things to help these playdates go off without a hitch. i was slightly afraid that i wouldn't have enough ideas to keep their expanding, creative minds fresh and engaged, but there are so many great resources out there. i don't even know if i could list the websites i've found off the top of my head...simply because there's been too many. one leads to another and another...and well, you get the addicting picture. *wink

and on this never-ending journey of finding crafts, resources, curriculum, books, games, and activities...and having a fun time pursuing my endeavors, i ask myself, "am i pursuing God in my life just as fervently? am i seeking after Him with the same excitement?" when after all, it should be so much more.

many times, the Lord makes Himself known to me when i'm not even being mindful of His presence. i mean, He's God. He's kinda hard to miss when He's a big part of your life. and i mean big.

how do i even get to the point of being absent minded? i answer, sheepishly whispering under my breath buried beneath a stack of pillows, "my pride. big fat p.r.i.d.e."

'p' is for 'proudly {in a horribly ugly kind of way} putting myself first'.
'r' is for 'really needing to rely on God in a heavy way'.
'i' is for 'including others in my search for daily joy - sharing in the experience'.
'd' is for 'depending on my hubby to help lead me to the cross'.
'e' is for 'expressing freedom in my God-given-grace-filled life!'

recognition, apology to my King, being others oriented and having dependence on a stronger and much wiser source are the ways i will pull myself from the quick sand of pride. the ways i will put on my daily armor against the challenges that bring absent-minded thinking of self. ways to turn my passions into seeking excitedly after God's thoughts.

i'm learning it takes time to focus. to focus on each moment drawing me this way and that in life. daily moments that suck my energy. that take me away from His Word. i'm learning to focus with new lenses on. it was a blessing to have some down time to think about how i'm using my passions and creativity for His use. how i'm pursing things that will, in the end, bring Him glory {that is my ultimate and pure ambition}.

and some days, like today, i'm wishing He could send me down my report card. i kinda need to know if it's worthy of fridge space, a bigger allowance, or just simply, a warm, squishy hug.

a birthday post.

there's lots to feel special about when it's your big day. especially when your loved ones turn it into a big-kind-of-deal {don't you just secretly love that? no? i do. *wink}.

today was my big day and even though being away from home for the first birthday was hard, i truly had a fabulous day.

a journal excerpt:

Lord, you have nurtured and grown me over the last 28 years. what can i say to your everlasting love and continued protection? what thanks can i give to your hand of mercy and your sovereign direction in my life? no words are enough. my heart swells with JOY when i think of your goodness throughout my life. your peace follows me all the days of my life. thank you. thank you for knowing my thoughts. for understanding my fleshy heart and naturally sinful ways. thank you for loving me towards change. a change only found through your glorious Son, Jesus Christ. thank you for loving me towards you. i had a wonderful and beautiful birthday today, which included (and most likely not limited to):

-a peaceful morning getting ready

-playdate with the girls {and jordyn} in the courtyard {this unfortunately involved getting eaten alive by mosquitoes}

-lunch @ rachel's apartment with the kiddos, who sang me "happy birthday" when i walked through the door

-received an A-dorable chic journal from rach'

-attempted nap with my girls

-"woke" to hubby home

-cracker barrel dinner - yummy!!

-trip to target for me {this may or may not be my favorite thing in all of existence}

-movie pick-up {hannah montana the movie - we had to pick one jess could watch too *wink}

-starbucks stop for dessert {naturally}

-awesome family night with plenty of phone calls, text messages, facebook messages, an email, voicemails and beautiful cards {with treasures inside} throughout the day {thank you everyone!}

-it's good to feel special! *smile

prepare my heart.

it had to be coming. i should have expected it with every ounce of my being.

i should have been more prepared.

i was on a happy track of counting my blessings and numbering them one by one. i joined that community of being grateful and what do you know...

today, i have a very frustrating day!

i should have been more prepared.

i was told and believed that it would change my perspective. it would open the eyes of my heart. it would change the way i saw things.

i should have been more prepared.

it started with a quite large unexpected bill in the mail. followed by a confusing phone call. and then a sick baby girl. then a trip to the dreaded {and very scary} health benefits office, joined by two schizophrenics and one released jailbird. this was after a very intrusive and rude phone call to the operator's office {which almost left me in tears}. meanwhile, it's the first day of classes for one slightly overwhelmed hubby. this isn't how i pictured it.

i should have been more prepared.

i'm not quite sure why i expected things to suddenly fall nicely in place and for "it's a small world after all" to be the soundtrack of my new days {that might actually be more annoying than anything}. i'm not sure why i thought i'd be on some joyful cloud 24/7. we all know that's not the nature of our being. we all know it takes time. even good habits take time to sink in.

i should have been more prepared.

i should have understood from past experience that the enemy creeps when we're on a steady path. he slithers through, ready for attack. he muddles our perspectives. he waits.

i should have been more prepared.

i need to guard my heart with more caution. i need to continue running with godly perspective. i need to put up my armor against daily battles. whether big or small. i need to gaze with eyes of thankfulness. always. i need to give myself more time. i need to give the Lord more time to work and not be so hasty. i need to practice patience and be reminded that His glory is found even in the mud of life.

after practicing awareness and positivity in negative circumstances {the kind that you want to punch in the face} i'm in a more calm and soothing place {if you ignore the previous aggressive remark *wink}. a place of peace amidst a small and tiny storm.

and next time...

i will be more prepared. *this may or may not involve boxing gloves

Lord, give me grace today.

with that, i will continue running my race of gratitude and leave with my gracious gifts from yesterday...

26. husband home early.

27. coffee in hand.

28. soft blankie in tightly clenched baby arms.

29. a shared bowl of fishy crackers.

30. generous adorable hand-me-downs from new friends.

31. life-impacting messages.

32. mountaintop experiences.

33. the Lord's impeccable sovereignty.

34. yummy crispy homemade burritos.

35. back rubs.

living with a prayer.

i think i struggle with an identity crisis. here's my problem,

growing up, i was a major home body. at the littlest age i can remember i found the happiest delight in playing in my room all alone. i'd spend endless hours tracing, drawing and coloring. i found joy in my sticker collection and my desk drawers that were full of crayons, markers and stamps. i would fall asleep on my mauve carpeted floor, fully dressed from the day with the lights left on until the wee hours of the morning. my room was a type of sanctuary for me. i felt sheltered. a sense of childhood creativity amidst those four walls.

i had a miniature bell collection that was spawned from my gran'ma that sat beautifully in my large windowsill. posters taped to my partial white wall that ranged from horses to jonathan taylor thomas. and even before those pre-adolescent years, i spent days playing barbies, doll house and anything else that captured my mind with imagination.

i loved being home. i loved sitting in my very girlie room.

now flash forward 15 years,

being married and used to working full time in the 'outside world' must have changed my home body concept {and the fact my barbie-filled-crayon-drawing world was now stuffed into plastic bins and parent's closets}. for the first two years of marriage, we seemed to be constantly on the go. we were both working and the hubby was busy with his studies. we told each other we'd start our family one year after marriage, but after we blinked towards the clock, that year was gone. we humbly left the timing up to the Lord, obviously lacking the concept of time skills {if there is such a thing}. jessa was born a year and a half later. i continued teaching classes at the craft store, working part time on the floor and the hubby was still studying and working overtime. we didn't know how to not be busy. i loved the hustle and bustle of being a new mom. the adventure it took me on on a daily basis. the adaptation of new schedules. i loved that jess was a pleasant shopper and craved being on the go...just like her mom. i quickly, and happily found out the on the go-ness continued after having kids. probably more than ever.

five years later,

the need to go somewhere everyday still haunted me. i would find small gaps in between our daily routine to run a quick errand, that usually turned into an all day outing. i think i had this idea that i was "trapped" if i had to stay home all day. before we moved for the third time in five months and found ourselves in texas, i was a big ball of mess, running from here to there and everywhere. strangely, i loved it.

maybe it was that my doll house was tucked away in a far away garage. maybe it was that my pastels and charcoal pencils had vanished years before. maybe my days of imaginary play were gone. i'm not quite sure why i felt the need to fill my days with craziness. but my days of being a home body were definitely the first to go.

i earnestly and whole-heartily prayed that my heart would change into what i was before once we landed in texas. i knew the "luxury" of errand running would disappear with our new concept of living. because i don't know if you've noticed in your own life, but errand-running almost always leads to money-spending. it did for me. i prayed and i prayed because i knew myself all too well. i knew it would be a nasty habit to kick and i knew i could not do it on my own. i also knew we were moving to a smaller space, more confined walls and that my inner jail bird would want to escape at any means possible. even if it involved a plastic spoon and a rusty old pail.

now today,

hello, my name is beth. i've been sober, free from the need of errand-running for almost two months. even as i prayed in preparation for our new lifestyle change, i had an inner doubt that still loomed in my mind. i didn't believe i could break such a ritual habit. it was a serious business that i was attempting to conquer. but you see, if it wasn't for the power behind my program of prayer, i wouldn't enjoy staying in our little apartment like i do. i wouldn't enjoy hours and hours of playing with the girls "locked up" in our tiny square footage. i find joy staying in. i find happiness pulling the blinds to a beautiful sunny day making its way into our living room.

it helps having a play room downstairs open whenever we get a whim to run around. it helps having a large backyard, complete with pool to bask ourselves in when we need fresh air. it helps having endless possibilities of friends just a few footsteps away. i have been blessed by an answer of prayer. i wouldn't want it any other way.

i'm also appreciative that when i do have somewhere to go, it's a special treat. i usually wait for the hubby to take me places as a family as i continue to familiarize myself with unfamiliar territory. it's a different reality that i'm living in now. no more craziness {well, maybe just a different concept of crazy}. no more unnecessary need that leads to unnecessary spending {amen? amen.}.

now, i have a new idea of imaginary play. it involves two little girls that need their mommy to get down on their bedroom floor, in their girlie room. to get out their colors and draw a pretty picture. to escape to their world of barbies and baby dolls. to sit and read a tower of books past their bedtime. these are the things that are making me content to be a home body once again. to be discovering that it's no longer a struggle and the identity crisis is solved. at least, for now.

*photo credit goes to rachel via her cell phone

our little goober in the playroom...one of our favorite places to be. buuut, i'm not too sure that's how you play with the little people's race car village. eh. she's letting her imagination soar. *wink

happiness is found.

-days spent running errands with the hubby and girls. something about mapping out a list, with a beginning and an end, having a schedule and zipping around to accomplish it makes me completely happy. this usually ends with a treat of some kind in the form of a drink. unfortunately, these days don't frequent themselves as much as they used to.



-half-baked chocolate chip cookies. oh man. the point of gooiness straight out of the oven and warming themselves into a soft pastry delight is just a little too much for these hips to handle.



-thrift shopping. i'm not sure you fully grasp the rush i get from finding a "thrifty deal" {yes, thrift stores even offer "deals" on top of their already-ridiculously-low-prices} and that, my friends, is what makes the whole experience awe-some. awesome, i tell you. for some sacred information, most of the things in our apartment were either free, gifts, found thrifting or on clearance at some of my beloved stores. i hardly ev-er buy full price. that is the glory of true shopping/thrifting, in my opinion.



-a mocha frappucino on a hot texas day. or pretty much any day would do me good. but here's the thing: it needs to have an extra scoop of ice and double blended for the perfect combination of thick, but still smooth. and them being free? even better!



-the warmness felt when you're perched on a new friend's sofa, sharing your lives. where you grew up, who your family consists of, how you made it to where you are today. something sacred is found in building new friendships.



-painting jessa's fingernails. the delight she finds in digging out the perfect shade and the pride she feels when they're pretty, pink and shiny. i love how she announces to everyone her newly manicured hands. there's just something about a little girl's excitement when she feels oh-so-pretty. it reminds me to find the simple beautiful things about myself that i easily {and quite often} overlook everyday.



-a phone call from my brothers. two of my best friends that i never get tired talking to. especially with news from a recent call... josh and dani are having a GIRL! a costa rican princess to be exact. *wink



-a clean kitchen. who doesn't like a clean kitchen {don't answer that - i have a phobia after watching a certain oprah a very long time ago}? but i like, even enjoy, the process in making it clean. i have a weird fetish about wiping down counters, my [dirty] stove top and the sink. i think it's from my days in the restaurant business. i love scrubbing, giving it a little elbow grease with a green-sided sponge in my right hand. pure weird happiness.



-ending an evening with watching a ridiculous show with the hubby. besides having absolutely plenty to choose from, there's something about laughing together over television "reality". again, this doesn't happen often - we usually end up wanting the 60 minutes of our life back when we [quite happily] suffer through a whole episode.



speaking of reality, better go...so you think you can dance's finale starts in nine minutes! *wink



but wait. this brings me complete happiness too:
what kind of happiness is found in you?

something that is really nothing.

- what time did you get up this morning? 9:41 am {i know, completely and utterly spoiled. or is it lazy? eh!}

- what was the last film you saw at the cinema? you mean theater? umm...hannah montana the movie {judge if you want, i have a four year old}

- what is your favorite TV show? american idol

- if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? pacific northwest. or maybe england? whichever

- what did you have for breakfast? bowl of multi-grain cheerios

- what is your favorite cuisine? italian

- what foods do you dislike? i want you to know i will be gagging as i type this list - sweet potatoes, bologna & egg {who WOULD like that?!}, corn bread, pot pies of any kind {bleh!}

- favorite place to eat? at my dinner table with my family

- favorite dressing? raspberry vinaigrette

- what kind of vehicle do you drive? subaru outback

- what are your favorite clothes? right now, probably my swimsuit and cover up i got in italy {it's cute, simple & white - the cover up, not the swimsuit}

- where would you visit if you had the chance? "home"

- cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? most definitely half full...no matter what

- where would you want to retire? surrounded by family nestled in the mountains

- favorite time of day? whenever i feel most awake and energized - haven't figured that out yet

- where were you born? almost in a bathroom, then almost in an ambulance, but finally in a hospital

- what is your favorite sport to watch? FOOTBALL! go seahawks!

- bird watcher? if they fly in front of me, then i guess so

- are you a morning person or a night person? did you see what time i got up this morning? yeah

- do you have any pets? nope

- any new and exciting news you'd like to share? the Lord provided our month's rent - that's VERY exciting to us!

- what did you want to be when you were little? honestly? a pastor's wife & sahm - "funny" how things work out

- what is your best childhood memory? best? gosh, there's so many {thankfully}, but i'd have to go with watching the seahawks as a family with jack every sunday afternoon during the season - good times

- are you a cat or dog person? neither, but i'd choose a dog over a cat

- are you married? yay!

- always wear your seat belt? yes and i actually feel VERY unsafe and awkward without it {i get a bit panicky if there's one not provided}. goodie goodie? maybe, but i don't want to fly out my front windshield and have my head pop off either

- been in a car accident? yup...and thankful i was wearing my seat belt! *wink

- any pet peeves? my own clumsiness {do they make seat belts for everyday life? just curious...}

- favorite flower? tulips

- favorite ice cream? chocolate so i can make chocolate milkshakes {learned from the best - thanks mom!}

- favorite fast food restaurant? wendy's - #6 please, on the original white bun with cheese

- how many times did you fail your driver's test? thankfully none, whew! driving a mini geo metro at the time helped nicely with that

- from whom did you get your last email? my gran'ma

- which store would you choose to max out your credit card? first, i wouldn't...i honestly don't think i could find that much stuff to buy at one store. but if i MUST, then probably target...or ikea. actually, does seminary count? cause i think that would pretty much do it

- do anything spontaneous lately? funny, the hubs and i were just having this conversation - he seems to think i'm quite spontaneous

- like your job? LOVE my munchkins!

- broccoli? unfortunately too much...if you get my "drift" {tmi?}

- what was your favorite vacation? that "v" word just makes my heart beat a little faster...i'd have to choose my surprise disneyland trip with the hubby. combine vacation and surprise and it's sure to be a winner, am i right?

- last person you went out to dinner with? my fam and our friend matt

- what are you listening to right now? an airplane flying overhead. maybe they're going on vacation?

- what is your favorite color? brown

- how many tattoos do you have? zip...unless you count that one from the bubble gum wrapper?

- what time did you finish this quiz? 2:27 pm

- coffee drinker? silly question

the hubby has the day off today and is about ready to go running so i thought i'd do another silly imported facebook questionnaire. we took a walk together to the bank this morning to deal with another strange occurrence on our new account - i've decided i like our bank back home so much better. i miss them. anyway, we came back and the hubs and i shot some pool (he kicked my tush) while the girls ran around and watched with intent as the vibrant colors flew back and forth on the green felt. it was intriguing, i guess. i did end up winning the last round and proving not to be a complete loser. *wink

i managed to sleep a little bit better last night until about 4:30 am when nature decided to put on a rock show with its killer strobe lights. the lightening was so intense and continuously flashed for an hour with hardly any thunder. these storms continue to amaze me. the hubby said he woke up this morning and wondered why i was so unusually close to him.

oh...girls are beckoning. gotta go.

nothing really.

three names i go by: cakes, bood {yeah, don't ask...it's a childhood thing} & bethany


three jobs i've had in my life: waitress/hostess, daycare & scrapbook aficionado


three places i've lived: washington, washington and texas


three favorite drinks: {sweetened} ice tea, mocha frappuchinos {coffee in general} & pepsi - healthy, right?


three tv shows i watch: american idol, so you think you can dance & the office


three places i've been: just three? ok...scotland, honduras & costa rica


three people who text me regularly: the hubs, my mama & heidi


three favorite foods: tacos {can only be the family recipe, of course!}, steak {oh my gosh, yum!} & chow mein


three things i'm looking forward to: making new friends, seeing my mama in september & watching my hubby succeed in school


three favorite restaurants: tomato street, red robin & cracker barrel

not too exciting, but i wanted to post something that didn't require much thinking. i hope you all had a wonderful sunday! now i can't decide if i want sour patch kids or a milkshake during this {pretty dramatically lame} sunday night tv movie.

on a more personal note.

i have so much on my mind that sleep is coming in second to my thoughts whirling around. to be completely honest, it's been a hard week. even though i may try to hide it well, i've had to work at having good days...my health has been slightly less than great.

i've mentioned earlier my health condition that i've had since birth. something that i've learned to live with, but also something that i haven't let define who i am. it has had its own disguise over my 27+ years. through all the pain, through all the medication and through every tear dropped in its accord...i've remained to call it a blessing because it has brought me closer to my God. but this week...this week stretched me to a new understanding. falling farther {and sometimes harder} on my knees before the throne of God can be painful. though beneficial to my spiritual growth, it's still a bit painful.

it's hard to be an advocate for yourself when you're surrounded by the turmoil of illness and physical pain. it doesn't contribute kindly to the fact that i've been dealing with change the same way as breaking in a new pair of heels. five little toes involuntarily squished into a one inch space and trudged on over the course of their new journey is uncomfortable, to say the least. this week has opened my eyes to the fact that moving far from my reality has been hard as well. even though its new {and quite pretty}, it's different. it's a stretch. it's uncomfortable. all of this doesn't mean i'm unhappy to be here. actually, quite the contrary. i'm digging my "new heels" and wouldn't trade them in for a comfy pair of kickers even if i had the opportunity.

i don't grow unless i'm sowed where there's good soil. and because of that, i go to bed each night with a desperate cry to my Father for peace. for understanding. for comfort in uncomfortable times. for His faithfulness to continue to follow me as i wake up to a new day. for my pain to cease. for my attitude to line up with His will. for my heart to crave His word because that is where i want to be sowed. His word. good soil.

this week has been hard. and i'm grateful for that. i can handle the pain when i know my Jesus has been there before. i can handle the absence of loved ones when i know my Jesus has been there before. i can handle change when i know my Jesus left the very comforts of heaven itself to walk this earth in my stead. thank you, Lord. thank you for your grace.

though personal, i needed to hash this out and document it as part of our {my} journey. a reminder, i guess, that i'm real with imperfect fears. i always want my girls to know how to handle and understand emotion, as it is a part of life. and to always know that their mama needs Jesus. every day of the week.