on a more personal note.

i have so much on my mind that sleep is coming in second to my thoughts whirling around. to be completely honest, it's been a hard week. even though i may try to hide it well, i've had to work at having good days...my health has been slightly less than great.

i've mentioned earlier my health condition that i've had since birth. something that i've learned to live with, but also something that i haven't let define who i am. it has had its own disguise over my 27+ years. through all the pain, through all the medication and through every tear dropped in its accord...i've remained to call it a blessing because it has brought me closer to my God. but this week...this week stretched me to a new understanding. falling farther {and sometimes harder} on my knees before the throne of God can be painful. though beneficial to my spiritual growth, it's still a bit painful.

it's hard to be an advocate for yourself when you're surrounded by the turmoil of illness and physical pain. it doesn't contribute kindly to the fact that i've been dealing with change the same way as breaking in a new pair of heels. five little toes involuntarily squished into a one inch space and trudged on over the course of their new journey is uncomfortable, to say the least. this week has opened my eyes to the fact that moving far from my reality has been hard as well. even though its new {and quite pretty}, it's different. it's a stretch. it's uncomfortable. all of this doesn't mean i'm unhappy to be here. actually, quite the contrary. i'm digging my "new heels" and wouldn't trade them in for a comfy pair of kickers even if i had the opportunity.

i don't grow unless i'm sowed where there's good soil. and because of that, i go to bed each night with a desperate cry to my Father for peace. for understanding. for comfort in uncomfortable times. for His faithfulness to continue to follow me as i wake up to a new day. for my pain to cease. for my attitude to line up with His will. for my heart to crave His word because that is where i want to be sowed. His word. good soil.

this week has been hard. and i'm grateful for that. i can handle the pain when i know my Jesus has been there before. i can handle the absence of loved ones when i know my Jesus has been there before. i can handle change when i know my Jesus left the very comforts of heaven itself to walk this earth in my stead. thank you, Lord. thank you for your grace.

though personal, i needed to hash this out and document it as part of our {my} journey. a reminder, i guess, that i'm real with imperfect fears. i always want my girls to know how to handle and understand emotion, as it is a part of life. and to always know that their mama needs Jesus. every day of the week.