flashback friday.

i've been thinking about my childhood lately. all of the youthful, ambitious "wishes" i had for when i 'grew up'. the things i didn't have to worry about. the silly, naive things i thought i had to worry about. what i thought life was all about. clueless as to what it was truly all about. the things that filled my little mind from day to day.

i remember parts and pieces of when my parents remodeled our 'box' house into a house with major curb appeal (for all of you that watch hgtv). my main concern at six was sleeping five to a room for nine months. i didn't give a minute to the thought of the financial stress on a family rebuilding. the penny that's stretched. the time my dad found to accomplish his work with his own two hands. my concern was self. the commodities that were lost due to sharing my space with two older brothers. fast forward to today. if something breaks. gets lost. or we need (used lightly) something 'new'. my first thought is to check the bank account. money signs flash through my head and the budget is checked twice. three times. five. i wonder if jacob has the time to do what it takes without breaking his back. twenty one years later, it's all about trust. naturally, there's still the selfish commodities that are lost and whimpered about, but it's so much bigger now. the concept of it all. the sacrifice. and to not let my four year old worry about 'adult' things. because, after all, my six year old self just had no clue. and i think it was better that way.

i clearly remember the thoughts that raced through my pre-teenage brain of doctors and health insurance. a not very youthful thing to think about, but with my frequent visits, i often wondered how my mom held it all together. how did she schedule, organize and get me to the right place each and every time? how did she know when it was time for a doctor visit? and with three kids? how did she keep all those papers that came in the mail straight? i have to say, i panicked a little. i couldn't imagine the responsibility it took to get my own kids someday to the doctor on time. how would i know when they needed to go? what shots to get? who to go to? you would think i could have a little confidence because of my experience. but i think that's exactly what scared me. the coordinating of insurance. eligibility. benefits. deductibles. it was all a blur. and honestly? it's still a little that way.

there were a few things of joy that i couldn't wait to have when i moved out and had a family of my own. in our house growing up, there was a cupboard dedicated to mom and [mostly] dad's goodies. these were strictly off limits. on occasion, special and rare occasions, we were allowed to give in to these guilty culinary packaged pleasures. i remember "shouting" out of disapproval that, "i can't wait to move out and get my own house so that i can have my own cupboard!" i dreamed of what i would fill it with. skittles. fudge cookies. little debbie treats. gummy bears. chips of my choice. junk. junk. and more junk. my now little pantry has a small corner dedicated to our goodies. and more often times than not, i find myself throwing away what's not eaten. go figure. who knew it wouldn't be as big of a deal as my little me thought.

this next one is my favorite because i get to experience the exuberant joy of it every day. i've mentioned before my mom having an in-home daycare for twenty seven years. one of my favorite memories of the babies that she cared for was when they woke from nap time. i absolutely loved going in to get them after waking up. something about a freshly awaken baby. still foggy and sleepy eyed, they are ready to cuddle and coo. they are so warm and snugly. i had wishful thoughts of cradling my own little babushkas and soothing their wakeful cries. and to this day, it is still one of my favorite comforts. if my girls take a super long nap, i start to miss them and soon get giddy when i hear them stir. it will forever be one of my favorite parts of the day. and unfortunately, it's not a battle with my mom who gets to go first.

i've always wanted to record these flashbacks because they are fond memories of how i grew up. the whims of my mini-me self reflect who i've become today. the challenges and joys i faced then prepared me for what i would learn as an adult. it's also a good reminder for when jess starts having some of the same concerns and thought processes. i can, hopefully, use my experience to show her how to trust and become aware of things to come. without the worry. becaue having goodies in your own drawer isn't as fabulous as it may seem.