mid-twenties-ish.

if i knew, would i have taken my first drink? would i have given in? the tempting, addicting powers of the forbidden starbucks frappuchino. it's evil. it's delicious. it's horrible. it's heaven in a cup. i can't get enough.

it was different when i tried it in high school for the first time. i didn't feel it slide directly to my hips. it didn't traumatize my pre-baby, smallish figure that i could cram anything into and not feel my jeans get tighter. oh, those were the days.

not saying that being mid-twenty-ish doesn't have its fabulous moments. of course it does and i wouldn't dream of going back ten years. no thanks. but i do dream of not having to work to keep a pleasant figure. i hear it's a rewarding feeling, however. to feel empowered to take control. to have gusto to maximize the health of your body. i'm sure it is a great feeling. and i wish i could have the self discipline to get there. i know i can. i know i will.

why is something so silly as a veinte mocha frap keeping me from feeling good? yes, i said veinte. it's horrible. and only fifty cents cheaper (do i hear justification coming on?). i know it's not just that. it's a combobulation (combo and accumulation all in one) of many bad choices and not enough good ones. it's about balance. self-discipline. hard work. great choices at that.

it's not about praying for the molecular structure of that cheeto to change as we shove it into our gullets (taken from the comedian tim hawkins). i can pray to bless this food to my body, but it doesn't do me any good if the food choice never had a chance. it might not always be about what i choose to eat, but what i don't eat. my first "meal" of the day isn't usually until 2 pm, approximately. i know. this doesn't help my metabolism in any way. i make a pot of coffee in the morning and have what adds up to one cup throughout the morning. distractions get the best over the enjoyment of my coffee. it quickly gets cold and i have to freshen the cup. sooo, that brings me to eating when the girls are napping. the chance i get to somewhat enjoy the consumption of my food.

i'm not a big eater in the first place. i would make a horrible food critic. i don't like to cook. and i can hardly plan a menu for our family. as in, we have a few family favorites that become the staple of meal planning. good thing those few favorites are also a favorite amongst friends.

so how did i get from being a mid-twenties-something who loves frappuchinos, dislikes eating, doesn't work out but wants a cute smallish figure from high school? i don't even know the answer to that. i guess that's what i'm struggling with. i can't seem to be happy with myself. i'm thankful for what the Lord has given me. i'm thankful that He provides yummy things to eat. He definitely is not short in His bounty.

but i'm not thankful to myself for my choices. for disregarding His health plan. for giving in to temptation. and not giving up poor habits. for not harnessing self-discipline as motivation. i tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. but that's not right. i need to remember that today is today. the right now. the here.

why can't it start now?

if it wasn't for feeling beautiful on the inside because of what the Lord has transpired in me, this would be a lot harder. it's also not only about making the outside match the inside, like i hear alot. it's about bringing God glory in every area of my life. it's having the self control to give God control. i'm still wrapping my brain around that one. it's trusting myself to do what's best for my health. empowering change.

so here's to being the best mid-twenties-ish mommy of two, wife to one that i can be!